Not The 9 O'Clock Autism Report
The new upcoming news source for all your /r9k/ Parliamentary needs, hot off the press with extra slander, hold the truth. Brought to you by "Scoops P. O'Exposé, Political Journalist" ---- 18/6/15 AEST+10 EDITION THREAD CRASHER CRASHES IN WITH SHOCKING TRUTH, NO SURVIVORS: Sleepy mistake or are they pulling the mask off to show us their true self? 'Bane? Crashers !!9pcdfL0oTYF', lets loose that he's a big guy with a big secret, dropping that he is "the only one who is actually normie here." 'Bane? Crashers !!9pcdfL0oTYF', campaigning that he is against the Normie menace quite possibly exposed himself as being a Normie today. Eye witnesses responded with emotes to which 'Bane? Crashers !!9pcdfL0oTYF' played it off as 'waking up', which only furthers the allegations against him as we know Normies sleep and wake up to do their daily routine. More on this story as it happens. CHECKER CHECKS DUBS THEN CHECKS THE RESERVATION PLANS, BUT NOT BEFORE CHECKING WEIGHT: "Van Patten and Pierce" was spotted today inquiring about reservations even though stating that he's "not really hungry". Health specialists are concerned, bringing up that he is suffering anorexia. Analysts have deduced that the actual reservations are for a local family restaurant and the chefs there warned that they could be breaking the world record for "most chicken tendies cooked in one day". Extra security guards have also been called into the restaurant to be ready for imminent autism tantrums and customers will be offered earplugs. We'll have more on where they WHINE and dine in the later report. SPONSORED AD: Would you like to rent out ad space? For 50 GBP a week, you too could have advertisement space on the upcoming greatest news reports! To set up a rental plan, enquire within! CHEEKY CHECKER GIVES A MOUTHFUL THEN GOES OFF TO RELIEVE A STOMACHFUL: More on "Van Patten and Pierce", earlier today we reported on his battle with anorexia to which in a heated exchange he did not deny BUT instead stating that he would never "be caught dead in a fuckin' family restaurant", then excused himself to go to the bathroom, most likely to chunder. Reports of "Van Patten and Pierce" yelling in an angry and incoherent manner which were accompanied by the sound of vomiting could be heard. Yeesh! Somebody get this guy a snickers, he is obviously angry when he is hungry! SPONSORED AD: Don't know who to vote for in the Presidential Election? Worried about the squatting potential of some of the candidates? Want to live in the golden age of Slavic life? Vote "Ivan Ивaнoв Squatov Slavic-Robot-Party !!OwQaAWi5kqF" FEELS FEEL PROTECTED: Bill News: The "Protection of the Right to Feel" bill passed unanimously today. Word on the street is that people are feeling relieved that they can feel in safety without feeling persecuted for their feelings. I feel sick writing this... PRIME MINISTER PRIME CANDIDATE FOR HIGHSCHOOL DROP OUT: In a shocking revelation, the Prime Minister, "ThePurifier, /r9k/ Prime Minister AutSoc !!imF9EqluFKE" today released that they had dropped out of school. This gives hopes to the masses on /r9k/ that even the most dead beat losers can get in high places in life. Though it does beg the questions: Who thought it was a good idea to put a high school dropout in the PM seat? What repercussions will having a non-learned PM bring? How will this affect the youth in school today? Does he even know how to spell Prime Minister without using Google? ANIME PARTIES SLEDGED TO NOT GET A SECOND SEASON: An anonymous poster stated today that he plans on removing anime like serbs removing kebab. They have their weebhunter gun trained on the 2D, Cuteposters, Homolust and >tfwnobf parties. The news of this thrilled Normies party member "Kai LengNormie !!Vsfvmzcaa54", who is also running as a Presidential candidate. Is this the start of a yandere romance between the ANC anime parties and the anonymous anime hunter? SPONSORED AD: Are you a functional Human Being? Join the Normie party today! Free six pack of your selected beer and toga party in your honour when you join. ANIME PARTIES CLOSE TO CROAKING: Speculation today shows that the Anime parties of the ANC are grouping up with the Frog and Wojak parties in an attempt to solidify a President position. The Smug Frog party, who are in the ANC, have been accused of being the "most normie party" by various other parties. Is this some sort of Normie invasion into the ANC by Smug Frogs, whose real goal is to manipulate the Anime parties by appearing to them as a dakimakura puppet to do the Normies bidding?